In Between two Worlds

To the left I see darkness. A void that could so easily pull someone into depression, hopelessness.
It is tempting to let myself fall and rest at the bottom, just for a little while.
I feel exhausted. Unwilling to face the changes ahead.
There is a fatigue constantly inviting my eyes to shut, my mind to quit.
Wouldn’t it be nice to escape into dreamworld?

On my right it’s different. I see calm. Serenity.
I feel the whole universe reassuring me that everything is one and nothing or no one is ever lost.
That we’re all here. Together, at once.
And I can continue on my path, even though it looks different now.
Reality can feel good. I do not need to stay in a dream.
This is the right direction, I know.

But then guilt creeps in. Why do I feel good? Have I cried enough?
Should memories make me smile already?
And so I look left and curl up for a moment. I let it out and wonder what is normal…
I feel stuck between two worlds, two paths.
Knowing where I want to be but not being ready to get there.

There are periods of time when guilt doesn’t come to visit.
And I find a happiness close to what it was before.
That is, until I get excited for something.
A new experience, a sight, or a funny story that I would normally share. Except now I can’t.
So this is when sadness arrives. Just sadness piercing a hole in my happiness.
And I miss our conversations. I miss sharing my stories, my dreams. I miss hearing his proud voice.
I simply miss him in my life.
The darkness to my left seems to take over again. For a moment.
Until I, or a sliver of hope, or my partner’s hug, pulls me back to the right.