Now that you’re gone

Today, it’s like nothing has changed but everything is different.

You are not here anymore, yet you’re everywhere now… In the wind, the sun, the ocean. In the cute little birds crossing my path and in the smiles and laughter of strangers. You’re supporting me through the ground I walk on. You’re looking after me through different eyes. But the eyes and the smile I was so accustomed to are no longer here.

Today, life continues. The sun rose and it will set again tonight. People go about their daily business. I got up and had breakfast. Just like on other days. Just like before. But now I know I will never hear your voice say something new. I will never know your opinion on what I do later, tomorrow or a few years from now. Life continues but you’re no longer a phone call away. Everything goes on as if your departure was merely a little bump on everyone’s long journey… As if it went unnoticed by the majority of the world.

Everything is the same but it all changed when your heart stopped. I am still me. But I am me without my father. I can still be happy. But the happiness will never be the same as it was when you completed it. My dreams still exist but I can’t tell you about them. You are no longer here to believe in them with me. I still feel love but now the piece of my heart belonging to you hurts. And it can never be replaced… maybe only slightly healed.

Today and tomorrow won’t feel the same as before. Now that you’re gone I wish time had stopped. I wish today was a day from the past, a day where you still walked our beautiful Earth and made plans to see it all with me.

I have yet to accept that those days are over. And that tomorrow and the following days will be oh so different.

 

6 Comments

  1. Jago

    Hey Jess , They are beautiful words. I’m so sorry. I have lost 2 people this year , one of them closer than I realised until he was gone. Nothing can equate to losing a father though and for that I am truly sorry. I believe in spirituality and that his presence will always be there as my mate still is as you mentioned in your words above. I do hope and know with time , things will get better. Take care xx

    • Witch of West End

      Jago, just wanted to say thank your for having taken the time to write and share your story… I think some spirituality helps us.. Whether what we believe in is true or not, it doesn’t matter, as long as it helps! I hope it’s helped you as much as it has helped me. xx

  2. Jean Helsby

    Jess, I’m sitting here in my kitchen feeling your loss. Having lost my dad 18 years ago your words have just brought back to me the pain I felt, it’s so hard Jess but what I can say to you is that as time passes the pain eases. No one will truly understand the loss of a father until it happens to them.
    The lovely memories will help you through the years Jess.
    Talk about him lots and shed tears, it helps 💔.
    Xxx

    • Witch of West End

      Jean, just wanted to say thank you for your kind messages. It is true I could never have understood before and knowing that you had a very similar experience, being so far away when it happened to you too, reminds me that I’m not alone. And perhaps that this is nothing “special”. I never realized how often I thought of him until now, but I can still smile through the pain. xxx

  3. Su Jorgensen

    Hey Jess
    Your words sink deep into my heart.
    It will be 5 years in 6 days time since I lost my mother suddenly.
    She also died in my birthday so that day will always be bittersweet for me.
    It’s such a reminder of how life can change in a split second and never be the same again.
    Different but never the same.
    I hope you will always follow your dreams knowing that he is always with you xx

    • Witch of West End

      Just wanted to take the time to write a proper response… and I guess wish you a happy birthday. Bittersweet seems a very “soft” word to express what it must be like every year on this day. Ironically for my family and I, it happened on Remembrance Day. I guess the universe wants to make sure we never forget! Thank you for sharing, all the best xx

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